Why Are We So Much Kinder to Other People Than We Are to Ourselves?

One of the conversations I find myself having most often with clients isn't about anxiety or overwhelm.

It's about the way they speak to themselves.

And it usually starts with one simple question...

If someone you loved made a mistake today, what would you say to them?

Perhaps they'd forgotten something important, snapped at someone because they were overwhelmed or simply had one of those days where nothing seemed to go right.

Would you call them lazy? Tell them they were useless? Ask them why they couldn't just get their life together?

I'm guessing not.

You'd probably reassure them, remind them that everyone has difficult days and encourage them to be a little kinder to themselves.

So why is it that so many of us speak to ourselves in exactly the opposite way?

Your brain is always listening

One of the things I often talk about with clients is that our brain is always listening to the conversations we have with ourselves.

Many of us have an inner voice that's incredibly critical.

"I should have done better."

"Why did I say that?"

"Everyone else seems to manage."

"I'm just not good enough."

The trouble is, our brain doesn't hear these thoughts as harmless background noise. Over time, they begin to shape the way we see ourselves and the world around us.

If your inner voice constantly tells you you're failing, your brain starts looking for evidence to support that belief. It's much harder to notice your successes when you're only focusing on your mistakes.

Self-compassion isn't about lowering your standards

Sometimes people worry that being kinder to themselves means they'll become complacent or stop trying.

In reality, the opposite is often true.

Think about the people in your life who have encouraged you the most. Chances are they didn't motivate you through criticism. They believed in you, helped you learn from mistakes and reminded you of your strengths.

Our own brain responds in a similar way.

When we replace harsh criticism with understanding, we're far more likely to learn, adapt and move forwards.

Being kind to yourself isn't letting yourself off the hook.

It's giving yourself the best chance to grow.

A question to ask yourself this week

The next time you notice your inner critic making an appearance, pause for a moment and ask yourself:

"Would I say this to someone I love?"

If the answer is no, try changing your words.

Instead of...

"I'm such an idiot."

Try...

"That didn't go the way I'd hoped. What can I learn from it?"

Instead of...

"I never get anything right."

Try...

"I'm finding this difficult at the moment, and that's okay."

It might feel strange at first, but your brain notices the difference.

A final thought

We all have difficult days. We all make mistakes. We all say things we wish we'd said differently.

The goal isn't to become positive all the time or pretend everything is fine.

The goal is simply to speak to yourself with the same kindness, patience and understanding that you would offer someone you care about.

Because the relationship you have with yourself is one you'll live with every single day.

If you're finding that your inner critic is loud, constant or affecting your confidence, you're not alone. It's something I work with every day, and with the right support, it really can change.

Sometimes the most important conversation you'll ever have is the one happening inside your own head.